


Delusion

by songohanfan1



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, It's going to be pretty sad, Multi, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, dead matesprits
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-14
Updated: 2014-07-14
Packaged: 2018-02-08 18:28:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1951605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/songohanfan1/pseuds/songohanfan1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gamzee couldn't believe this was happening, in the back of his mind, he'd always known this day would come, but now sitting in the crowd, staring at the casket, he couldn't accept that he was now missing the other half of his heart</p>
            </blockquote>





	Delusion

**Author's Note:**

> This keeps crossing my mind, and it's a oneshot, though i have the tendency to talk too much, so it just might turn into a multi chapter thing, if I get any requests for it in a comment or something

Gamzee Makara: Attend Funeral-->

 

 

You are Gamzee Makara and _FUCK_ , you can't believe this is really happening. But oh mother of fuck, it is. You find yourself drifting, not believing it's real, like it's some kind of motherfucking demented dream, and Tav is going to wake you up any minute to tell you you were having a nightmare and woke **him** up. But how is **he** going to wake you the fuck up when **he** can't even wake himself up? You still don't believe it's real when you look at the casket, lowbloods have gotten more rights over the years, especially with you as the Grand Highblood and now get burials. You can't believe what you're seeing when you see ghostysis crying her motherfucking oculars out. But she's always so happy, so what's got her so motherfucking down? You see Solbro put his hand on her shoulder. He's gotten so old.

You still aren't believing what's happening, even when you feel drops of some motherfucking liquid stream onto your grabbers. It's purple. 

You hear some kind of motherfucking wailing, sounds like some poor motherfucker lost somethin real important to him.

Someone grabs a hold of your shoulder, and is keepin a nice and steady grip there. It's Karbro. How come even he's looking so motherfucking sad? What the motherfuck happened? He says somethin that for whatever motherfucking reason, you just can't hear. Specially not with the sounds that mystery motherfuckers making. Sounds like his screams have only gotten louder.

You start to suspect that maybe only you can hear it, but when glowysis starts visibly raising the volume of whatever speech she's giving, you know everyone else can hear it too. So, why's nobody going to help that poor guy? Everyone's actin like ain't nothin happening. He's just gettin even louder, and for some unknown reason, Karbro starts putting more pressure on your shoulder. Why is that?

 Karkat Vantas: Why is that?-->

 You are honestly shaken up pretty much to the fucking core. Even though Gamzee has known for perigrees that Tavros died, he didn't show any signs of having a breakdown. He just accepted it and was mopey for a while, along with ragey towards the people who trampled him. He had been in a really crowded area, and there was this fucking riot, and being the paraplegic he is, he was knocked out of his four wheel device. And trampled to death by the stupid panicking crowd. You blame all those fuckheads for the current state of your moirail, and wish maybe people could stop being grubfucking idiots for a single fucking iota of a second. But you know they can't.

Gamzee's known this for a while, so he had arranged the funeral, gotten all the others in your group informed and coming to the ceremony. But, in all the time he's known about Tavros' death, never has he been such a mess. He's literally screaming himself hoarse, while shredding everyone else's hearing tubes. You looked into his eyes a few seconds ago, and you know their misted over, and  he looks so fucking out of it, you almost can't believe he's still sober. 

You're honestly not sure to what extent he knows what's going on right now, but you can tell he's more gone than when he used to eat sopor. He actually knew when you were talking to him then. You know he probably checked out a while ago. So, as his moirail, you're trying desperately to keep him grounded. You are certain that as soon as he stops feeling your hand on his shoulder, that's it. He's gone and he's not coming back.

He's getting louder, so your hand presses firmer on his shoulder. You really wish there were something you could do to comfort him right now, but he's slowly on the way to not even knowing you exist. You can't let that happen.

You fucking **refuse** to let that happen. You couldn't comfort him during the game, being too scared to realize that he was too. He was so scared, of himself. You will  **NOT** let that fucking happen again. 

But you have no idea how to help him. The game was such a long time ago, yet you can still feel the pain he felt when he realized what exactly he had done. He had been nearly inconsolable for a while, tearing himself up on the inside from the guilt; despite the fact that they had already forgiven him when they realized how bad he felt. It had taken almost two fucking sweeps to get that asshole back to being relatively sociable with anyone in your group. Although it had helped that Tavros and he became matesprits soon after the game ended.

Focus Karkat, if you stop letting him know you're here for a second, he'll be gone.

You will **NOT** let that happen. **  
**

Karkat: Do NOT let that happen-->

You succeed in not letting that happen, when you get him to finally fucking blink.

Gamzee Makara: Wake-->

You blink and suddenly, you know where the fuck you are. You can hear glowysis finishing up her speech. Her speech on...oh...yeah.

You suddenly remember what happened to your flushed bro and why you ain't seen him around. You are also aware that your palebro and pretty much everybody else in the area breathed a motherfucking sigh of relief. You are made painfully aware it was you motherfucking getting your wail on, by the scratchiness of your throat, you can even taste the tang of blood in the back of your vocals. You know that the purple liquid falling in drops onto your hands are your own motherfucking tears.

Karkat hugs you. He latches on and you're not sure if he'll ever let go, what with the force of this motherfucking miraculous embrace, it's like he's afraid you'll leave him and never motherfucking come back. Well, you're sorry you worried him, you don't want people to get their worry on at you, when not a single motherfucking stranger could get their worry on at Tav when this all and happened in THE FIRST MOTHERFUCKING PLACE.

Somebody nudges your other side, you turn and it's your black sis. You know she's also been crying because the skin under her glasses is puffy and tinged teal with irritation. You can also tell she was worrying about something, because her bottom lip has a bead of her teal paint coming from it, like her fangs were all up and tearing at it. 

She takes a deep breath, and comes closer to tell you something.

"It's your turn to say something next Gamz" then she turns like she wasn't just getting her talk on at you and ain't no longer aware of your existence.

The official bro is getting up on the stand and starts talking, thanking Kansis for her words or some shit, and says you are now going to speak.

Well, when a bro says it's a  motherfuckers time to say somethin, that motherfucker had better fucking say something.

As you get up to walk to the podium, you become vaguely aware that your Karbro patted your back, probably in hopes of being some form of comfort to your motherfucking self. You know that later he'll probably be able to calm you the fuck down, but right now, you ain't even feeling a motherfucking hint of the glow his miraculous paps usually give ya.

When you're standing up all tall on this thing, you can see all of your motherfucking friends all staring up at you, and alls you see in their eyes, is pity. You vaguely make some kind of dumb joke about Karbro having to be worried in the back of your pan. But you know that's not it.

You motherfucking know it's not that kind of pity, it's the pity of your hatefriends who've seen your worst. your best, your highest, and your lowest. It's the look of ten other trolls who just want you to be okay, not because they're scared of you, but because they're afraid for you. They're afraid you'll change, that you'll do something motherfuckin stupid you won't be able to undo.

And maybe a little ways down the road you'll try to do somethin to that extent, but you know they'll stop you and you'll keep living your long as fuck life missing your heart. Because your heart is about to go six feet under. 

You decide you've stood here and stared at them long enough when Terezi starts making moving motions with her hands. Time to talk.

" Hey, brothers and sisters. Thanks for all up and coming here. I know y'all had to take time out of your busy motherfucking schedule to all up and come here, just to satisfy this stupid clown motherfucker. I know...Tav would all and appreciate it", your voice broke when you said **his** name, and you sounded like some troll who had just come from his first fucking pupation. Shit's motherfucking embarassin, but you can't completely bring your motherfucking self to all and care right now. 

" Since I'm apparently talking about **him** now, I am going to keep on, I guess. My flushed bro was just about the nicest motherfucker any soul ever did get their encounter on with. I've all been around a long as motherfuck time, and I still have a long while to go, but I know for a motherfucking fact that no one, not a single motherfucking creature in existence at any point in time, will ever find another motherfucker like **him**. Ain't no one going to ever motherfucking exist what all has more good in them than **him**. But, **he** was more than just motherfucking nice, **he** was caring, and could get pretty motherfucking sassy when **his** Rufio came all the way out," that got some nice motherfucking chuckles out of them, what did good to break the forlorn as fuck atmosphere.

" While I was all sittin my dumbfuck self at over there, I couldn't believe it. I was just kinda floating around in my pan, I saw everyone here, but didn't understand anything about what was all up and happening, couldn't hear anything. **He** died in a way even now, I can't wrap my head around. It was pointless and **he** didn't deserve it. I'd always up and motherfucking thought we'd grow real old and wrinkly and then when **he** died, I'd be satisfied cuz I'd get my know on that **he** all and lived a full life. Well, that didn't motherfucking happen. **He** died in a real motherfucking unbefitting way. But I know **he** wouldn't want me to up and lose my shit over this, **he'd** motherfuckin want me to remember **him** as my best bro, as the nicest motherfucker to grace this fucking heathen of a planet. And I know y'all are all gonna be sad over this, and y'all are gonna remember **him** and keep preservin the miracle that **he** is in your pans. I'm probably goin all over the place with this, and it's kind of all motherfucking running together now, but I think I said at least one thing that kinda made sense. So, I'm done and now I'mma sit my motherfucking self down over there and mumble to myself. So just, remember **him**. Thanks."

Your oculars are gettin all purple and blurry and you kind of trip over the wire connected to the voice amplifier on the stand, and everythings running together. So, before you know it, Aradia's said her speech, the official man has said his last words, and it's time to finally bury **him**. You know that when **he's** buried, so's your heart, you know you won't be feeling too much for a while. It's like the high you were on with sopor, but the exact opposite, because it leaves you feeling so much worse, while at the same time not quite rememberin anything or really bein completely motherfuckin there. You're there in your motherfucking body, but not your mind. Cuz in your mind, you're still with **him** , making **him** peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to see the face **he** makes at your slightly motherfucking lewd joke. Cuz in your mind, you still have **him**.

You walked over to the casket at some point in time that you honestly don't remember a fucking thing about. But you are out of that daze and you are clear minded when you lean forward before they close the lid, and kiss **his** forehead and fold **his** hands over each other nice and peaceful like. Funny, you'd always heard it was kind of like they were sleeping when they died, but you know for a motherfucking fact that your best bro ain't asleep, you can tell by the fact that there ain't no smile on **his** lips when you kiss them, by the fact that **his** face ain't flushing peanut butter brown like when **he'd** get embarrassed by you all up and doin that.

Nah, **he** ain't asleep, but you really motherfucking wish **he** was. You wish you both were, so **he** could wake you up, and this wouldn't be a thing that existed.

But Karbro already up and told you that that isn't how this type of thing works. So, when the lid closes and he's being lowered into that too dark pit, what you know **he** ain't comin out of, you stand by your quadrant corner. You hold **his** palesisters hand, and when you both ain't holdin back the tears no more, you're hugging her to you and kissing her forehead and crying together. And even though you ain't even got no comfort for your own motherfucking self, you're all and comforting her and she's restraining you. And you're both trying to keep the other from screaming too loud, or lunging into that all eating void of despair in the ground, where when someone goes in, they ain't ever comin out. You know you're both thinking of going in after **him** , hoping maybe that motherfucking game left you that much. Hopin that maybe if you just kissed  **him** one last motherfuckin time, **he'd** wake up and be right as motherfuckin rain.

But you know it didn't. You've already tried. Soon as you got word of what all and happened, you tried and tried and motherfuckin tried. **He** didn't wake the fuck up. And you knew then, just as you do now, that **he** ain't ever waking up.

Back in the outside world, you can vaguely hear ghostysis shrieking something about trying again, she's trying to follow him. But, you know you can't let that happen, much as you want to yourself. So, you tighten your hold on her and tell her so, and sob into her hair as Sollux is trying to calm her and you down. Though you know he's only trying to calm you down because he knows if you followed **him** , she'd do it too. 

So your pale brother hugs you from behind, restraining you too, because you've kinda stopped completely fighting Arasis, and kinda have more than half a mind to just let her. Let her, and let yourself. But **he** won't let you. Or Karbro. **Him** and Karbro, they wouldn't just let you do somethin so fuckin stupid, no matter what state your pan was in.

You take a shuddering breath, haul both yourselves up. Turn yourselves around and walk until your feet bleed and your body all and decides to pass the motherfuck out, so you can enter a dream world, where your bro's pusher is still pushin, and neither of you will have to accept reality until you wake up. You both fall asleep, leanin on each other, faces blotchy and eyes bloodshot and puffy. Your tears stainin each other's clothes.

And you just....

..........................pass

..................................the fuck

.................................................out..............

...........................................................................................

 


End file.
